COME-WE-STAY MARRIAGE AND YOUTHS:

COME-WE-STAY MARRIAGE GENERATED DIFFERENT REACTIONS AMONG KENYANS

By Maritim Kipngetich

Come-we-stay has been in the rise among the Kenyan youths today especially those living in urban areas.

This has made the government move ahead and legalise come-we-stay marriage practice in Kenya. This was initially meant to assist people who are in rural areas and want to marry, but their customs could not allow them to do so.

Although come-we-stay is a legal practice in Kenya it has received critics and endorsements almost in equal measure with church leaders vehemently oppose to it and majority of Kenyan youths supporting it.

Amos Kinyanjui, an urban dweller, said come-we-stay marriage is a nice thing since one is not required to assume full responsibilities of a husband or a wife. “In come-we-stay, there is freedom among the couples. Unlike in the real marriage where one is required to follow everything other couple says and abides by the rules of the marriage,” Kinaynjui said.

He said there is no payment of dowry the marriage unless the couples decide to pay. “No one can be forced to pay dowry. In any case more often than not, parents of the couples are not involved. It is an arrangement between two people who decided to live as husband and wife,” he says.

Kinyanjui, however, said it is a risky marriage. He says in instances where the two decides to have a ‘divorce’ before six months, the legal time limit for come-we-stay to mature to be a real marriage, are over, one couple is always disadvantaged.

Reaction of come-we-stay marriage varies with the gender with female gender opposing the issue saying men are cunning beasts who like to spend time with women who are not there real wives.

“Come-we-stay marriage is mostly for men. We ladies are not always of that opinion since we know that men are bad people when it comes to relationship. A man can decide to stay with a lady for five months and then dump her and no way a lady can sue him in a court of law,” Stella Cherono, a second year economics student at University of Nairobi (UoN), says.

Cherono says the marriage is common among university students. “I have friends here (UoN) who are living with their boyfriends since the time they joined the university. There are like husbands and wives. A lady washes clothes and cooks for her man and the man buys the lady everything she wants. They also have rules governing them. The lady has to be in the man’s room in time,” Cherono says.

The Bill that was passed in the National Assembly last year gave powers to chiefs to issue come-we-stay marriage certificates to the couples. That was meant to ensure that the people, who engage in relationship with the hope of consummating marriage in future, are given certificate to legalise the relationship before the real marriage occurs.

The Bill got endorsement from the women groups across the world with Joint Programme on Gender Equality and Women Empowerment appealing to the National Assembly to pass the Bill since it offered a comprehensive legal framework that governed marriages.

Some men however do not know how come-we-stay maximum period help couples to legalise their relationship.

John Kitonga, a fourth year political science student at UoN, asks: “How will one prove in court that they have stayed for more than six months and they have nothing to sign when they are starting the relationship?”

Kitonga’s question was the subject of debate in parliament before the Bill was passed. Some Members of Parliament, especially women, were opposed to the Bill saying it is an elusive task to prove the period couples have stayed in the relationship in a court of law.

The Marriage Bill 2013 received critics from women MPs because the content was not only concerning the come-we-stay marriage, but it also legalised polygamous marriage.

Lillian Mwende, a student, said come-we-stay does not benefit parents of the lady since there is no dowry payment. “The parents of the lady cannot receive anything for appreciation as it normally happens with real marriages. There is no token given to the lady’s family since there is nothing legalised. In fact it should not be called marriage. It is a boy-girl sex relationship,” she says.

Although the come-we-stay marriage receives both criticism and endorsement in equal measure, many people are engaging in it without knowing. The legal measures involving it is not familiar with many people especially the forks dwelling in the rural areas of Kenya.

Penetration of come-we-stay knowledge in the rural areas is too low. The Bills are normally published in the Kenya Gazette before they are discussed in parliament, but many people do not access it and this has made many people just abide by the laws they never participated in coming up with as it is provided in Article 118 and 119 of the constitution_  provisions which state public participation.